vincentfbarile

I wish i knew the value of living.
I wish i knew what wanting to be alive is like.
I wish i knew what walking with my head up is like.
I wish i knew how to smile.
I wish i knew what having someone there is like.
I wish i knew not loving you was like.
I wish i knew how to be happy.
I wish i knew...

Everything came crashing.
like the world trade center,
i cried.

today i finally realized how introverted i am.
i have been promoted to heritage 1981 manager.
i was excited and ready to show my ability i was paired up with another one of my associates and
she hates heritage so i knew this wasn't going to be well. She was lazy and did a poor job at working hard.
Today was our last day for everything to be 100% done. we were 85 % done. she made my room look like poo poo and made me look uncap-able of doing well at my job. she couldn't take direction or be criticized without being defensive. she called out my flaws saying i'm the new taxi driver at forever 21, i let everyone walk all over and i can't stick up for myself. At this point i was annoyed and didn't even bother to argue because i need to focus on the real issue and that was finishing my room. My boss came in and ciritczed everything, my room was disaster from the night before. everything i put out was gone the walls were bare which means i know how to merchandise because i sold my product. Presentation wise not good at all.
I let them pick apart my room and make me feel worthless let them leave my room.
I ran into ashley and started talking about putting in my two weeks i started to cry and ran to the bathroom. Everything came crashing down on me at once.

my skin feels like leather, i'm back from the beach with junito and chad. we were suppose to stay an extra night but we couldnt find another hotel and to be quite honest i wanted to come home. this weekend has tested my relatonship with junito. if opposites attract why wont this relationship feel the way it suppose to. i like junito but im just trying to replace my feelings of matt. there is no comparison, i can't lead him on any longer. I'll just have to be patient and wait for something to happen. something... R E A L.

I went to psychic, yes corny i know... but i was interested. she didn't ask my name birth date or anything. she asked me to think of two secrets keep one to myself and tell her the other. i said i hope i'm successful and happy one day. the one i kept to myself was that i hope matt and i are not over. she said that i'm going to live to an old age and be very successful, and also that i'm never happy but i always put a smile on becuase i'm afraid to show any kind of weakness. my mind is in a million different places and i can't ever feel like i get a good nights sleep. I'm sensitive but i stick to what i feel is right. I never lie, or talk badly behind any ones back, i will tell the truth to their face. My heart is missing, someone took it and i never got it back. ( i wonder who i think it is. Matt if you don't get my sarcasm.) I've had a substance abuse problem (that's when i knew she must be saying the truth)
she said this relationship is grabbing me and pulling me under. every time i feel like i'm taking a step forward i'm actually taking 5 steps back. this boy is the one, and its not over. ( i really hope she didn't play me)

Nothing has changed...

i smile to show everyone that i'm okay.
when on the inside, i'm not okay at all.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
million suns and calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world"

Fiona Apple has been my favorite singer since I was 10 years old.
I'm getting this tattooed on my left upper leg.

You'd think that you'd learn from your mistakes, Matt sure hasn't.
But I sure know that I have, I forgave Matt without really thinking of what he put me through.
You'd expect me to write about how upset i am but, I am going to take a different route.
I'm honestly happy he did this, becuase I had more than enough of his bullshit.
He did nothing but bring me down.
I'm taking this situation as a positive, especially the fact that he isn't in my life anymore.
The saying "from shit can come roses" I find to be true.
I am bettering myself. Boston here I come!

Matt and I have become distant, granted it's only been two days since I've seen him.
Maybe I am over reacting, I honestly don't know.
I just wish he'd talk to me. Maybe it's a sign.
I received a letter from AIB for portfolio preparation.
I'd be living in Boston for the summer, and honestly...
I want to go, maybe it's somewhere I'd like to go for college?
either way I just want to get away, and this is the perfect opportunity.

He's going to hate me for posting this picture, but i don't care.
My vacation was unforgettable, i spent everyday with Matt.
Now i know what it would be like if i lived in the city, and i am being overly impatient.
This hasn't ever felt so real.

It's really ironic to think that the people you love, disappear so quickly.
This birthday just won't be the same.
I'll just make do with what I got.

First day of vacation and i can't even begin to tell how badly i need this vacation!
Matt and I have been talking for months now, as just friends.
He's coming to spend the weekend before he goes back to school.
I'm excited and little nervous, my favorite past time was when he was here last.
Hopefully this will add to another one of my favorite memories.

The arts festival was awesome, I can't even put it into words.
I was offered spaces to do instillations at studios in Holyoke MA.
and, art professors at smith colleges loved my work.
Hearing these kind of things really boosted my self confidence with my artwork.
Which is something I really needed.

I finshed all of my art pieces that needed to be finished for friday.
Here's some pictures of what i got done.
http://img11.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=dsc0022v.jpg
I just need to organize my instillations and I am all set!

I won't let anyone control my life.
I control my life, not Matt he was the excuse for my distraction.
I create my own path, and I will succeed.
Finally, I feel in control.

Welcome to HIGH-SCHOOL.
Apparently from the people I befriended this year are "high-school".
Maturity is uncommon there I'll say that much.
No matter what I know I don't need that and to be quite honest,
I feel happier with Monika and Val not in my life.
Things feel less complicated, even though I ignore their existence in class.
That takes practice. They both have each other,
and once they realize who their real friend was, I won't be there.
They burned that bridge, I'm not putting it back together.

I'm so STRESSED OUT.
I have so much to do before the Arts Festival.
I started a self portrait and I love the concept but I'm just having a hard time creating a story.
I have two instillations to do, self portrait, two paintings and a mural.
I haven't slept in days I want to finish everything.
On top of that I'm dealing with so many emotions, the whole Jamie/ Matt issue I dont know what to do.
I feel like I'm lying but I've told Jamie about Matt so I'm not.
But I know where my heart is and I'm afraid.
Matt and I both say we don't want to be in a relationship but if he didn't want to be something,
Then why talk to me at all? Why text me daily? Why do anything?
Every time we start talking again we both rush into things.
It's almost as if that we both forget about what happened and we just pick up where we left off.
I've been with a lot of guys since we stopped talking and honestly I didn't feel anything the way Matt makes me feel.
Out of anyone in the world if I could choose one person to have in my future I would choose him in a heartbeat.
I just can't imagine not having him in my future.

I feel like someone kicked my heart.
I'm disappointed in myself, I've been down this road too often.
Matt Instant Messaged me, I acted as if nothing happened.
I promised myself I wouldn't go back, but I can't ever say no.
It took me such a long to get back up, but love conquers all.
He says he doesn't want to be a in relationship.
Neither do I, I have to much to do,and no time to focus on anyone else.
He apologized and it was sincere, he has a hard time talking to people.
I've known that for a long time, so apologizes are hard for him.
It shows their sincerity.
I do still love him, sadly.
But loving him, might not be what we need to be together.
I've been talking to Jamie and honestly, it's been perfect.
Until last night.
Now it's making question what I should do about Jamie.
I like him, but I love Matt. He doesn't make me feel the way Matt does.
I'm really big on the honesty thing and I needed to tell him about Matt.
He knew why I told him, because I didn't want this to come up later on.
But every-time Jamie sends me a text I always hope its Matt.
I told Jamie I still love him, and I honestly don't know what will happen with Matt and I.
But he does understand that love is a hard thing to forget.

Immaturity seems to be very popular with the ones I use to be friends with.
Monika and I got into an argument today, in class.
As I was walking to Latin I saw Val she ignored me.
It made me think Monika said something to her.
Which she did, and I said in secrecy.
Point proven that she isn't a friend.
I need to focus on school and my art.
I'm glad she did this happened becuase now I have no problems,
and I am able to focus on what I need to.

I miss having my friends back at school.
I hate that they've graduated, and I'm actually "alone".
My best friend lives in Delaware, which bothers me even more.
I've been noticing the people who I thought were friends this year, really aren't at all.
They honestly have no clue what friends are becuase they've failed.
I've put up with there bologna for far to long.
They've never once have showed any interest to see how I've been doing, and honestly not well.
It's sad I put so much emphasis on being friends with them, becuase it was a complete waste of time.

Things haven't been any easier. I've dealt with the shallowest of the shallow gays.
I've been talking to this guy Jamie, we were meeting up this past Friday but he blew me off.
I've trying to contact since a week ago as in Saturday, and hasn't responded to any of my
text's since he texted me asking what I have done to my hair? That's a good quality to have.
Well of course it bothers me, but no one would know how it made me feel because they never ask.
Not even how I've been dealing with past situations. Mainly becuase they have their own issues where
they feel the need to talk me about them. I really have no idea why I am friends with these people.
They never took into consideration to ask me after how I was dealing with the Matt situation when they read my later posts. I don't really think they realize how hard I took it, to the point of death. I'm taking a different route than I've been taking, but it will lead to me being more lonely than I've been feeling.